Wed, 04/11/2007 - 10:23am

Steph P's vent session

By no means do I declare myself the expert on all things metro. However, I’ve been in this city long enough to know the ins and outs of the public transportation system. A while back, metro unveiled an ad campaign with made-up words such as Conseaterate and Doorker in an attempt to help passengers modify their commuting behavior. While I appreciate the initial humor associated with this effort, I don’t think Metro went far enough. To commuters and tourists alike, I’d like to impart some friendly rules of engagement when it comes to riding metro busses and trains.

Bus Rules of Engagement

1. If you’ve been standing at a bus stop, you’ve had ample time to get your money together. Please don’t wait until you get on the bus to look for it, get it together
2. If you are at a bus stop and the bus has stopped 10 feet down the street due to a red light, please walk to the bus. There is no excuse why the bus has to pull up right in front of you to pick you up, you’re asking and expecting too much
3. We all know the “dc bus smell”; we don’t need to comment on it at length every time we get on the bus, or every time someone comes on board smelling hideous. Simply open your window, take small breathes and pray the driver runs lights to get you to your destination as quickly as possible
4. Don’t bother running for the bus – people wait for busses, busses don’t wait for people, as one driver so poetically said as he drove by one latecomer
5. Singing is banned – now and forever. You are not Tyrese and this is not a coca-cola commercial; no one from the record company is on the bus, I promise

Train Rules of Engagement

Carry-On’s

1. Computer bags with wheels – These are immediately banned. You take up too much space walking with it behind you and people constantly trip over them. While it’s a good laugh to see them go down, that’s just not right.
2. Pets – While kids may enjoy seeing a puppy peeking out of your oversized purse, no one else wants to smell, see or hear Fido; and hey, we could be allergic lady!
3. Carts – If you have to get on the train with a cart full of groceries and things you picked up at the flea market, you’re doing too much. Call a cab, ask a friend for a lift..or better yet, get in the cart and ride it down the hill to your house.

Arrival and Departure

1. Have your metro card ready by the time you get to the gate. There’s nothing worse than you ruining my walking rhythm in the morning
2. If you’ve swiped your SmarTrip card three times and it doesn’t work, give up and quickly move out of the way and see your nearest station manager
3. Tourists – If you’re having trouble at the fare card machines, please do not ask me any questions just because I’m right beside you and look like I know what I’m doing. I’m avoiding eye contact with you for a reason
4. When getting on the train, move your feet like you’re going somewhere. Don’t stop and look both ways to see where you’d like to sit. There are no first class sections on the train, sit down and enjoy the ride

6. If you know you’re getting off at the next stop, be prepared to get off. Don’t rush people out of the way at the last minute, that’s rude.

Simple Courtesy

1. While food is prohibited, snacks should be allowed. However, if you’re breaking open your Popeye’s five-piece and fries on the way home from work, there’s a problem. No one wants to smell your food, see you stuffing your mouth or hear you smacking your lips – case closed.
2. Two big people should never share a seat. If you’re a big person and you see another big person with an empty seat beside them, bypass them quickly and keep it moving; you both can’t fit there. There’s an unspoken rule that this should never ever happen for fear of shortened air supply, arm rest marks on your legs and visual unpleasantness to others.
3. If you are three rows ahead of me and I can guess what song is playing on your IPOD, it’s too loud. Metro should provide each train car with scissors to cut your earphone cord
4. Cell Phone Etiquette – If I know how your day went and what you’re having for dinner when you get home, you’re talking too loud and too much. Cell phone conversations should consist of brief notifications such as “on my way” or “running late” – nothing more. Text it, or shut your pie hole!
5. When backing into a seat to sit down, please don’t poke your butt out so that it looks like you’re going to sit on my lap. I’m not interested in you in that way
6. The Express newspapers are free and the Washington Post is 35 cents. Please don’t sit beside me and attempt to read my paper with me; at least wait until I leave it on the seat later
7. I understand that you are trying to guess where the train will stop and the door will line up in conjunction to where you’re standing on the platform but please don’t take it personal if you can’t line it up just right all the time. Tomorrow is another day, try, try again.
8. If you know you’re getting off at the next stop, please don’t let me sit on the outside seat, just to get back up at the next stop. It exerts too much work on my body to accommodate your laziness and lack of proactive spirit.
9. Just because I say “Excuse Me” or look at you and smile does not give you permission to begin a conversation. I don’t care that you have the same shirt at home or that you just got a new cell phone. I despise small talk with all of my being.
10. If I am sitting in front of the metro map, please maintain a safe distance and say excuse me before approaching. Please do not poke your head towards me, moving it left and right to look at the map. I will sit there and look annoyed until you leave my personal space
11. PDA’s – While people may have had a great night out and enjoyed each others company, the train is not the place to get it on late at night. I’ll keep this one clean but let’s just say that some of you should check youtube, as I’ve had the occasion to record a few PDA sessions.

Suggestions For Metro

1. Quiet Trains – They do it on Amtrak, VRE and Marc, why not here? All the crying babies, school kids and loud cell phone talkers can have train cars 5 and 6. The folks who want a peaceful ride each day can take the rest
2. Delay Day – Metro should work with local business and government to make a rule that if any of their trains have more than a 30 minute delay, all commuters can automatically work from home that day
3. Train Drivers / Announcers – Do they or do they not have to take an English proficiency test? Should they or should they not know how to pronounce each station correctly? Should they really be making jokes as we pull into each station – drive the train already!
4. Tourist Hours – Tourist should be banned from all stations during rush hours. They take up too much space, stand on the left on the escalator, interrupt the flow of our fast-paced walks and ask too many questions. That’s so un-sexy metro.

Steph P.’s Vent Sessions are strictly ideas, thoughts, concerns and opinions by the writer. These sessions are not intended to offend anyone, start a revolution, make anyone cry or spark change. If it did, you may be sensitive and should no longer read her sessions. If you are inspired, consider yourself lucky.

About the author

Stephanie M. Parker hails from Dale City, Virginia (little DC), but currently lives in DC. Here for 6 years now, she has become familiar with what DC has to offer – from dance performances to community fundraisers to nightclubs, she enjoys it all. A break-dancer in her previous lifetime, Steph enjoys hanging out with her friends and writing down personal experiences. She can be reached at Elleh_cim@yahoo.com

Categories:

• Miscellaneous
• Opinion